Tuesday, 21 October 2008

Don't You Get It? Homo Superior Is The Future!

I've got time to kill for the first time in aeons, so hey, here's a trailer for Push, starring alternate-reality megastar Chris Evans and my favourite candidate to play T'Challa in a Black Panther movie, Djimon Hounsou.

Yes yes, it's just Heroes, except set in Hong Kong, but as Heroes is now officially broken, there's room for a competent version of it. If it is competent. It might be rather dull, especially for an action thriller, considering how the trailer features lots of shots from two locations. That suggests there are only two action scenes interspersed with Dakota Fanning being super-knowledgeable and mature beyond her years. Of course, from that trailer it also looks like the "heroes" are only interested in saving one of their own, with the side effect of helping humanity just by keeping their friend out of the hands of a secret government agency. So it's as much a rip-off of The Fury (sans John Cassavetes and his dead arm) as it is a million other things, like Firestarter and Scanners etc. etc. but, as far as we can tell, without the exploding people. You can't have films concerning governmental abuse of psychic superheroes without exploding people! It's like mint choc ice-cream without chunks of chocolate. Surely this is obvious.

Just to complicate matters further, The Fury is already being remade, but will it feature anything that could top this?

It's one of the greatest endings to a movie ever filmed, and justifies the rest of the film, which is meh at best. After rewatching that scene just now I got called into a meeting about departmental restructure, during which terms such as "metadata delivery" and "upstream involvement" were bandied about, terms that my brain tries to grasp only to see them slip from my fingers like wriggling fish. It means nothing to me. I'm obviously in the wrong line of work, and it occurs to me now that surely there is an opening working for these shady governmental agencies. But how to get an interview? It's not like they're going to be advertising in the Telegraph, because, you know, shady. Should I have been in the army, perhaps? I'd assume that handling people who could bat you across the room with a flick of their premotor cortex is risky enough that you should know how to trepan a person with your thumbnail, and, well, I don't. I can kill a fridge with a knife, though. [/bitter]

Maybe I could still try, somehow. With the economy in the toilet government spending is down (except when spending money on saving banks, obviously), which means that even though spending on weapons is probably going to remain high, it'll still drop, and so that investment will have to go further. What's a better use of money? A bunch of nukes costing trillions of dollars? Or a bunch of pasty-faced telekinetics covered in Celtic tattoos and black coats with sleeves too long? All they need to keep going are Disturbed albums and cases of Mountain Dew. Provide those, and figure out a way to demonise The Other in a way that their youthful minds can understand and react to ("They hate our freedoms," ain't gonna cut it), and you've got the cheapest army ever.

The only other investments you'll need are in wrist restraints and tranquilizer darts (for when you need to experiment on them), and development of psychic dampener technology to stop them going apeshit if you run out of Mountain Dew, or Disturbed split up. It's a growth industry waiting to happen, and I reckon I've got what it takes to jump in at ground level and make a difference. As long as my first day on the job doesn't end like this.

Consider this my resume, Psychic Corps of the UK.

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