Dear Tom Shadyac and Steve Oedekerk,
Re: your recent ode to banality Evan Almighty, I wish to lodge a complaint about how you have interpreted the events surrounding a flood I unleashed upon the heathen scum populating the earth several hundred years before my son was born. In your movie you had this way dumb scene with me talking to Steve Carell, during which I explain that I hit Earth with a huge flood in order to bring Noah's family closer together. I guess you can take that one of two ways; the Bible is a bunch of self-help metaphors and not the Word of Me, which is blasphemous enough to tick me off, or that I'm a total wuss. Well, congratulations, because your efforts to portray me as a cuddly-wuddly My Little Deity have incurred my wrath even unto the ending of the Earth!!!
I didn't create a flood to help a family bond. What am I, Dr. Phil? I hit planet Earth with a billion billion billion extra gallons of water to punish the heathens for their sins. Why wouldn't I? You're just an ant farm with the odd good book by Philip Roth to distinguish you from the rest of the beasts. You'd better believe it. You've only seen what happened back then by watching Cecil B. DeMille's excellent documentaries about the period, but even those didn't show the extent to which humanity had screwed the pooch, with the fornication and idolatry and whatnot. You don't do that on my watch and not force me to bring the thunder, and I brung it. Brought it. Ugh, stupid English. Why isn't everyone speaking French by now? It's a much nicer language.
So yeah, Humanity 1.0 had so many glitches I had to hit Ctrl-Alt-Flood, so you better believe I did the do in order to kill a whole mess o' peeps. I'm the Old Testament God! It's what I do! I tell guys to kill their kids and send nasty plagues down just the fun of it. And believe me, Humanity 2.0 had better start taking a good look at itself, or this asteroid I'm holding is getting aimed right at the Midwest, and Bruce Willis and William Fichtner ain't gonna save your asses this time.
That fluffy-God crap annoyed me more than the fact that the laughs really dried up in the final act of your stupid movie, and that you totally wasted Lauren Graham. Why did you bother casting someone as spunky as her if you're just going to make her the boring wifey who gets mad at her husband? Between this, having noisy sex with Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa (or, as we call it up here in Heaven HQ, Bad Film!!!), and spending eight years being the only non-sucky thing on that P-O-S show Gilmore Girls, she just can't seem to catch a break. Time for an Eleventh Commandment; Thou Shalt Not Waste Lauren Graham's Talent.
Oh, and re: casting Morgan Freeman to play me. Nice work! Who doesn't like Morgan Freeman? He can even make penguins seem noble and interesting. I couldn't even manage that, and I spent .000054 picoseconds longer designing them than I did humans. Those were some frustrating little ice-birds. So yeah, that casting was the one thing I liked about your movie, and that's why I only made the stupid thing tank instead of having you covered with boils and locusts and stuff. You got lucky, jerkoffs. Now make another Ace Ventura film, and I might reconsider letting Lucifer nab your souls. I really loved that pet detective.
Da Old Testament God, yo!
Listmania 12! Shades of Caruso goes berserk - At the end of 2012 I began my Listmania! project for compiling of the best of the things. These are...
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