Friday, 28 December 2007

He-Man Vs. Machete - Requiem

Ext: Forest near Eternos. Prince Adam walks beneath towering trees. Probably covered in purple leaves. Not sure. Will check Complete Masters of the Universe boxset for confirmation. Adam is accompanied by his faithful feline companion, Cringer, and the floaty pain in the ass Orko. On his back is a paper tag, on which is written (C) Filmation.

Orko: Prince Adam, might I remind you, if you do not hurry you shall be late for the anniversary party of your parents, the King and Queen of all Eternia. They would be most displeased!

Prince Adam: Oh Orko, why hurry? It's a glorious day and the forest has never looked as beautiful. Right, Cringer?

Cringer: I don't know about you, but I think even on a good day there could be something lying in wait. ::gulp::

Prince Adam: ::laughs a big bellowing laugh:: (Note to animators - use stock laughing footage) Oh Cringer, you're such a cowardly cat! Surely you remember the Battle of Tranmaxia, where I finally banished the dastardly Skeletor from the kingdom of Eternos once and for all, with the help of my faithful companions Man-At-Arms and Teela. It was a rout, Skeletor's evil band thrown to the four winds thanks to virtuous forces of might, courage, and the Power of Grayskull!

Cringer: If you say so, but that doesn't make me feel that much better. ::gulp::

Prince Adam: You know, for a large tiger-thing that can transform into a fearsome Battle Cat, you're a real loser.

Orko: Prince Adam, this conversation isn't getting us any closer to the castle. If we're late, the King will have my head on a platter, even though, as you can see from the dark, empty space under my hood, I don't even really have a head!

Prince Adam: Why is it so hard to just enjoy nature for a while? Huh? Guys? Seriously, it's a nice day, and all I get is the yapping. If it's not you, it's my faithful companions Man-At-Arms and Teela, both of whom, while lovely people and fine warriors, are pretty much the antithesis of fun. Can you both just get off my case for a bit? Dang!

Orko: But sire, perhaps you're underestimating the fury of your parents! They have told me that GLURK!

From nowhere a knife slices through the air, hitting Orko right in the center of the big O on his chest, flinging him back into a tree, pinning him there.

Cringer: Adam! What did you do that for?

Prince Adam: Why Cringer, I would never do such a thing! Perhaps this is an ambush by Skeletor's forces!

Cringer: I don't believe that for a second. I'm getting out of here! ::flees::

Prince Adam: Worthless cat jerk! That does it. ::raises sword above his head:: By the Power of Greyskull, bitches! (Note to animators, stock footage looking a little overused by now, but stick with it. Animating new character has depleted this week's budget.)

A burst of cosmic power infuses Adam with, as mentioned above, the Power of Greyskull, and he transforms into the mighty warrior He-Man, all muscles, hair and loincloth.

He-Man: Now, with my mighty sword, I shall wreak terrible vengeance on the head and face of my foe, even though I feel like buying him a drink. That floaty jerk was really beginning to chap my toned ass.

A thin whistle splits the air, as another throwing knife flies towards He-Man, connecting with his sword with sufficient force to knock it from his grasp. Stunned, he watches as it disappears into the thick Eternian undergrowth.

He-Man: Very impressive, my skilled enemy. Perhaps this is a new recruit in Skeletor's army of ne'er-do-well's. His skill with a knife is commendable. I shall call him Knifedor, in honour of his talent. This does not matter, though. Even without my mighty power sword I can still vanquish this evil-doer. I did once hang around with Superman, after all (Note to legal, see if DC are going to allow us to use that name. If not, just loop in Fisto or something.)

Fast as a darting hummingbird of death, a throwing knife shoots from a different bush, and He-Man dodges, the knife pinging off his chestplate.

He-Man: Hey! Watch the nipples, dastardly cur!

He-Man wrenches an enormous branch from a tree and prepares himself for battle. A shrub twitches, and He-Man leaps forward at astonishing speed, loincloth flapping heroically. Within the bush is He-Man's foe; Machete! The golden warrior's attack takes the knife-wielding assassin unawares, and he is sent flying. Upon coming to rest, he leaps up and assesses his prey.

Machete: Nothing personal, man, but I got a big bag of gold from some bone-faced dude to rub you out.

He-Man: Skeletor hired an assassin? That coward. Fine, if that's the way he wants it, come and get it!

Before He-Man can connect with his foe, Machete flips back into the undergrowth, and is lost. He-Man grits his perfect teeth and crashes forward into the bushes, and a piercing cry is heard, followed by a thud.

Machete: ::looking into a deep dark hole:: Like I said, blondie, nothing personal. I'll look after your cat and your sword for you, if you want. ::pulls the sword from the tree:: What? This shit is plastic. Crazy asshole.

Next week: Skeletor reneges on his deal, Prince Adam wakes up at the bottom of a large pit with a really bad headache but the same crappy page-boy haircut as usual, and Machete wreaks his bloody revenge with the help of his league of swordsmen!

(Not really, but at least now you know there's a happy ending.)

Yes, the fight poll has closed, and the result was five votes for Machete, and three for He-Man. Not a conclusive victory, so perhaps the musclebound do-gooder will be able to climb from the pit and aid Machete in his quest to separate Skeletor from his enormous Eternian wealth! (Writing heroic dialogue tends to stay with you, I guess.)

New poll! Who is your favourite Ghostbuster? Pete Venkman, Ray Stantz, Egon Spengler, Winston Zeddemore, or honorary Ghostbuster Louis Tully?


johnilf said...

That is some crazy shit but i would pay to see it!!!

Admiral Neck said...

I'd steal a copy and copy it for you, my good friend.